Getting Teenagers to Break the Silence

Many parents complain about their "silent teenager." At worst, all they get are guttural sounds that would seem to belong better in the sound track of 80 Million Years B.C. At best, they get short, terse answers and cool shrugs. As one parent put it, "It's like having a surly boarder in the house.' ~g Perhaps you've been feeling as if you're trapped in playing the game of asking banal questions, such as, "How was school today?" which are always answered, "Fine" or "Okay." As the game goes on, you ask, "What did you do?" And the answer comes back, "Nothing much."

To take a different tack-and also possibly learn something valuable about your teenager--try asking your teenagers about their childhood memories. Wait for a relaxed time-possibly during dinner, when everybody's feeling full and fairly human -and just say, "What do you kids remember about when you were little, when you were very young?"

I'm not guaranteeing that this question will suddenly turn your teenagers into fountains of communication. You may get back, "Nothing," or "Not much." On the other hand, your kids might perk up and respond to this different kind of ques­tion. And as they share what they remember, you can learn a lot about how they see life today.

We Adlerian psychologists use childhood memories as a key counseling technique. In fact, I teamed up with Randy Carison, a counseling colleague, to write a book in which we said:

"Who you are today . . . your basic personality . . . your personal life philosophy . . . the secret to your entire outlook on life . . . is hidden within your earliest childhood memo-ries."9 The point is that our childhood memories are consistent with how we see life. And you don't have to be a psychologist to interpret what your teenagers remember. The key is to note if the memory is negative or positive.

One evening at dinner I tried this concept on our three older children and asked them to recall a memory of when they were very little. This is what they came up with.

Holly popped up first and said, "I remember when I was about three or four years old, and you gave me a red sweater, Mom. I hated that sweater and wouldn't wear it, but when a lady was coming for dinner, you really wanted me to wear that sweater and you offered me my favorite candy-Reese's pea­nut butter cups-if I'd wear the sweater."

"What happened?" Sande asked. "I'm not sure I remember myself."

"Well," Holly recalled, "I remember saying to myself; 'I want those Reese's peanut butter cups so bad, but I'm not going to wear that dumb red sweater for anything.'

Sande and I had no trouble seeing that this memory is consis­tent with how our firstborn daughter views life. She's tough-minded and has her convictions. She's the law-keeper in the family, reminding all of us when we go astray. And she sticks to her guns. Once she makes up her mind, only dynamite or the Lord Himself will get her to move off dead center.

Next it was Krissy's turn, and the first memory that leapt into her mind was of the time she was around six and Daddy was giving her a lesson on how to ride a bike.

"We were on this little hill," Krissy remembered. "Dad, you started out holding me as we went down the grade, but then I got going fast, and I guess you couldn't keep up, and you let me go. I rolled all the way to the bottom of the hill, lost control of the bike, and landed in a cactus bush."

This memory also fits Krissy to a T. To this day, she remains very cautious, the kind of person who has to look before she leaps. She doesn't take chances and is not at all what you could call a risk-taker.

And what about Kevie 's first memory?

"I remember when Holly and Krissy dressed me up for a play they were putting on for the neighborhood kids. I really liked that-putting on the costume and being part of the play."

As you may recall, Kevie is the budding entertainer in our family. His childhood memory of getting dressed up for a neighborhood play fits perfectly with what he likes to do today -be an amateur magician with his sights set on taking over from David Copperfield!

If you ask your kids about their childhood memories, you may or may not be able to make some applications like those above, but if triggering your teenagers' memories works at all, you just may have fun talking together. Try it. You don't have a lot to lose, and you might just get a reading on how your teenagers view life. The more you understand your teenager, the more you can move from playing the role of disciplinarian, judge, and jury to being your teenager's friend and guide. We will look more closely at being your teenager's best friend in the next chapter.